My 2014 Anti-New Year Resolutions
1. I will not spend more time on writing and/or weight loss forums than I spend on writing and/or working on weight loss.
2. I will not attempt to tell all of my joke repertoire in a bad Irish accent – only the Irish ones.
3. I will not attempt to reword all of my jokes into Irish ones in order to tell them in said fake Irish accent.
4. I will not deem it necessary to put on make-up each time I step out my front door, and will instead revel in the screams of terror this incites.
5. I will not stop tirelessly lobbying to have the word “stabby” included as a choice in mood scales (i.e., I’m feeling stabby right now).
6. I will not debate my vegan friend who says that meat causes cancer, but will instead counter with links to studies that red wine decreases risk, therefore I will just drink extra wine when I have a steak, thus making her feel the aforementioned “stabby” mood item.
7. I will not start a new collection of thrift store cat figurines, contributing to the thought that I may still become the crazy cat lady I aspire to be.
8. I will not stare incredulously with my mouth hanging open the next time my professor tells the class that we “high achievers” need to lower our standards so the low achievers can feel better about themselves, but will instead start shrieking like Abed until she retracts her comment. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ag173pPA5oU
9. I will not use the cats’ tails as paintbrushes or splatter tools to create my own feline Pollock-style art line.
10. I will not keep insisting that we be able to afford a honeymoon in Scotland before getting married, but instead will hold my father to his claim that he’d help pay for the honeymoon if we stay in North America and get married this year.